Sunday, April 18, 2010

Bad blogger, anxieties, and loves

What a terrible blog posting rate! Once a month for the last 3 months... And life is going to be more chaotic in a week? Pretty unbelievable! If I look back at the last month (when I haven't been posting), I realize that all of my time has been spent soaking up time with sweet Kate. And I'm totally okay with that. She's been a little more clingy lately, and I truly think that she knows that something's up. She sure doesn't have a clue what it is, but she wants to snuggle more and give more hugs and just be with Mom more. And I just don't mind at all! I've been learning a lot lately about being a mom (through the heart tuggings of God and the wisdom of my husband).

It all started with 5 teeth. Most of which have now arrived in Kate's little mouth. What happened to my favorite gummy smile?! It's the little changes in her life that make me stop and think about how quickly time passes. And that make me wish I could put time on hold and take in every second. But... in a week, life will get busier. And for a time, I feel like I will have to neglect Kate. It's just one of those things that comes along with recovering from surgery and not being able to lift your child. Jon, of course, assures me that it's not really neglecting her- it WOULD be neglecting her if I left her in the car to go get a manicure. HA! But, much of this comes from my own pride. I want to be the one to do things for my kids. I want to be the one to be everything to my kids. I don't WANT someone else putting Kate down for her nap. That's OUR time! And I don't like relying on other people. It's really hard for me to give up control and let other people help. But, when you're recovering from surgery, there's no other option! I'm such a control freak. :( I like to think I'm pretty laid back, but God is showing me otherwise! But, it's all about letting go. God has entrusted these babies to me for a time, but I have to acknowledge that. I'm really in trouble when kindergarten comes!! ;)

It took me a long time to be truly THRILLED about this fella joining our family. Finding out about a pregnancy when it's halfway over can really do a number on you! But, I cannot WAIT to see his sweet face. I cannot wait to meet him and see how much he looks like his daddy (which I know he will), I cannot wait to cuddle and smell him, and I'm actually looking forward to our time together in the hospital before real life hits when we get home. I'm excited to finally be able to share his name with people, to put him to sleep in his precious nursery, and to experience an extension of my heart that somehow can contain more love. Dissipating sciatica won't upset me either. ;) But in the midst of that, I still have a fear of inadequacy. Having two babies within a year is something that most people don't experience. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually, it will be challenging. God very clearly has more faith in my parenting skills than I do, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling a kickboxing boy inside of me right now! He has chosen this baby for our family. God has told us that His plan is far better than ours and I'm even more excited now to see how He will work in our family.

So, pray for us (me) as we (I) learn to let go. I'm not very good at it. But, I know that as I'm humbled, I am becoming more like Christ. And that is the deepest desire of my heart. To God be the glory!

1 comment:

  1. Oh girl, how I remember EXACTLY those feelings and anxieties and needing to let gos!

    Enjoy the time (and sleep) in the hospital, don't expect too much for your first few weeks and months-- if they are both in dry diapers and fed, you're doing SUPER! Call anytime-- I'm here and I've been there (well, with four extra months in between!)